Struggles in Finding Love for Three Distinct 'Dating Personality Types' as Revealed by a Psychologist
Dating may not be only about timing and luck—it's also about our approach to it. Our expectations, habits, and underlying beliefs shape our connections, often subtly and without our realization. In her book "How to Not Die Alone," behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury delves into the common psychological pitfalls many people encounter while pursuing relationships. She identifies three distinct "dating personality" types, each with its unique challenges and prospects for improvement.
1. The Wishful Thinker
Wishful thinkers believe in the magic of love, viewing it as effortless, destined, and just falling into place naturally. They yearn for the "perfect" soulmate, someone who completes them without requiring effort or compromise.
This perspective is often rooted in destiny beliefs, the notion that relationships either prosper due to their "meant-to-be" nature or fail because they were never meant to last. Individuals with these beliefs tend to view the early challenges as signs that they haven't found "the one," rather than using them as learning opportunities for personal and shared growth.
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicates that those who strongly hold onto destiny beliefs are less likely to experience "self-expansion," the personal and shared growth that results from learning through challenges, evolving relationships, and expanding our understanding of ourselves and others.
, behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury breaks down common psychological traps people fall into while dating. She identifies three distinct “dating personality” types—each with their own dating mindset, challenges and potential for growth.
As a result, their relationships may lack the same level of fulfillment as those possessed by "growth beliefs" individuals who consider love as a journey that can be nurtured with time, communication, and mutual understanding. Since wishful thinkers idealize love, they may give up too easily when difficulties arise, failing to understand that healthy relationships require effort, patience, and compromise.
Shift your focus from fairy-tale romance toward a more realistic, effort-based approach to love. Embracing love as a journey of shared growth, open communication, and mutual understanding can help build a lasting connection.
—the idea that relationships either succeed because they are “meant to be” or fail because they were never meant to last. People with these beliefs tend to view early challenges as signs that they haven’t found “the one,” rather than using them as opportunities for growth.
2. The Perfectionist
Some approach love with a maximizing mindset — perpetually searching for the "best" partner, fearing they might settle for less than ideal. This way of thinking, often reflected in consumer choices that prioritize the "best buy," also permeates relationships.
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Perfectionists are always on the hunt for "better" partners, constantly questioning if there's someone smarter, more attractive, or more successful out there. This mindset prevents them from fully committing to their current relationships.
Due to their fear of settling, perfectionists may find themselves stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction and regret, continuously searching for the next best thing. Since they concentrate on comparisons and the fantasy of an "ideal" partner, they may struggle to appreciate the unique qualities of the person they're involved with.
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However, no partner will ever be completely flawless. True fulfillment in relationships comes from valuing and nurturing what you have rather than endlessly searching for something better.
By transitioning from an ideal-seeking to a growth-focused approach, perfectionists can develop deeper, more satisfying connections—ones based on appreciation rather than comparison.
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3. The Procrastinator
Believers in the "right time" theory consider themselves not ready to enter the dating world, often delaying relationships until they feel fully prepared. They may feel unworthy of love until they advance in their careers, work on personal growth, or achieve an arbitrary achievement.
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By consistently postponing dating, procrastinators miss significant opportunities to connect with others. They often remain caught in a cycle of self-doubt and hesitation. For a procrastinator, it's vital to remember that they are deserving of love now, and growth can also occur within relationships, not merely before them.
Waiting for the "ideal" moment to begin dating may mean waiting forever. Small steps towards dating and being receptive to new experiences can help break the cycle of procrastination.
—constantly searching for the “best” partner, fearing they might settle for less. This way of thinking, often reflected in consumer choices that prioritize the “best buy,” also spills over into relationships.
Identifying your dating personality type offers insight into patterns that may be shaping your love life in ways you may not have intended. Whether you're a Wishful Thinker, a Perfectionist, or a Procrastinator, the key to enduring connection isn't in perfection but growth.
Love is not meant to be effortless, nor is it about finding the "perfect" match. It's about showing up, choosing to invest in a relationship, and granting both yourself and your partner the room to evolve together.
with others. They often remain stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and hesitation. For a hesitator, it’s important to realize that they are worthy of love as they are, and that growth can also happen within relationships, not just before them.
If you recognize yourself in one of these dating personality types, consider this an opportunity rather than a restriction. Instead of seeking love to fit a predetermined mold, allow yourself to experience love as it unfolds, with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to grow.
Are you content with your relationship or do you feel the need for more? Discover your relationship satisfaction through this science-backed test: Relationship Satisfaction Scale.
- The maximizer, as identified by Logan Ury in her book "How to Not Die Alone," has a mindset that extends beyond consumer choices to relationships, always pursuing the "best" partner and fearing they might settle for less.
- The hesitator, as discussed in the same book, often delayes entering the dating world, believing they are not ready due to personal growth or career advancements, missing out on valuable opportunities for connection.
- In the Newsletter Signup Article for Halfway_Hardwall_1, an external link to an article titled "3 Poisoned Thoughts That Can Ruin Your Love Life—And How to Fix Them" is provided, discussing destiny beliefs that can hinder relationship growth.